Current location:	Up Yo' Ass
Current mood:	aggravated
Current music:	Homecoming Queen - Hinder
Entry tags:	cute, self asteem, self doubt, train of thought

You're so vain- you prolly think this post is about you dont you dont youuuu! [rocks out]
I don't know if it's their intention, but sometimes some people make me feel so inferior that my sweet dreams of tomorrow hiccup, leaving me with the vision of what I suspect to be their vision of my future. Mediocre. Lower-middle class. While I'm not one for caring much about money, I AM one to care about mediocrity. Sure, I'm skimming through high school with bare requirements in the subjects that I find most difficult. Why do I do that? I guess I'm just scared to have to work so hard in something that I find no joy in. The idea of this has always been a fear of mine. I don't want to be stuck doing something I don't enjoy, simply because I *have* to. This fits in with school and with work. It frightens me that while I'm doing something that I do not enjoy, I will be missing the opportunity to do something that I DO want to do.

I understand that you have to do things you don't want to do NOW so you can, respectively, do things in the future that DO interest you-- but that doesn't make it suck any less. Anyways, it's not like I haven't bitten the bullet before and it is not like I have never worked hard a day in my life. It's just that others have the ability to make me feel bad for not working as hard as THEY do, and for that, I feel like I'm being punished in their eyes.

Everyone calls me cute.
Everything I do is cute.
My sneeze is cute. My cough is cute. My hiccups are cute.
My mannerisms are cute.
It's cute that I supposedly lack social grace.
It's cute that I try to be friends with everyone.
The things I say are cute.
My ideas are cute.
Oh, look at Katrina, she's so cute.
Look at her try to have a knowledgeable impact on the world.
Oh, oh, look. Katrina's trying to have a serious discussion, isn't that cute?

I LOVE being considered cute. I do. It makes me feel cuddly-able. (Oh, look, isn't she cute when she makes up words?)
But sometimes, it feels like an insult, too.

Maybe it's just that some people don't see me in an environment when I'm working hard, being the group leader, being the one who takes charge and gets things done. They don't see the person who used to be considered "the smart one." They don't see the work I do around the school, or after school, or on weekends.

Maybe all they see is this girl with blond hair and blue eyes and a smile constantly on her face. This girl who tells bad jokes to lighten up the mood or fill in the silence. This girl who just wants to have a good time while good times are still available to be had. This girl who doesn't talk about studying, or scholarly effort, or difficulties that she's overcome, but instead talks about memorable life experiences, or what was enjoyable, or what she looks forward to.

I AM SMART, dammit.
I am, and in some aspects, I'm smarter than others.
And others are smarter than me in some aspects.

It's a balance. That's why we have different types of people in the world. That's why we aren't alone on our own planets- because we all have something to contribute to the world, and because of this everyone deserves respect for what they have to offer.
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I am intimidated.
I really am.
I want a claim to fame, too.
I want to be selfish and have something.. a trait.. a talent.. something that says "oh, you need something done or need help with something? Go to Katrina, she's totally the best."
And while I may have something like that right now, I'm scared it's going to be taken away from me.

I guess the one thing that I do have is life experience.
An appreciation of things, and a real life perspective.
As much as some people look at me and think "what an optimist" or "her head is so in the clouds," I am typically pretty "down to Earth."
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It really is okay not to work hard all the time. It is. It's okay to do frivolous things. MOST IMPORTANTLY: it's okay to temporarily stop doing something you love to do something you have to do- but I understand the indecisiveness of it due to it's enjoyment level. But while some people tell me to "bite the bullet" with things, those same people need to learn that they, also, cannot have everything as well, because this is The World, and it's Unfair. Welcome to the human race, it's imperfect, love it, accept it- cherish it.
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I am aware that half of this post contradicts itself. This is me thinking. Welcome to Katrina's train of thought. All aboard! Toot-toot!
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This post was brought on through a bought of self esteem issues due to PMS, as well as a discussion with Jordan. I love you, Jordan! :D
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I don't think I would have even posted this had I not thought it would make for a great character monologue sometime in the future. :O Y'know, with some tweaks depending on personality and etc. blah blah blah.
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Have a good night folks.